Last week’s Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training program was a blast. I can’t believe how quickly the retreat flew by. I discovered and re-learned so many colorful lessons. I mean, how could I not when my huge paintings were staring me right in the face giving me loads of perspective?! It’s like a visual journal on steroids.
Here are some of the gems from the week:
I stay in my creative flow when I keep the paintbrush moving. The critical mind turns on when I stop to “think” about what’s next.
Allowing myself to venture into taboo subjects and uncomfortable territory paved the way for an abundance of freedom. It takes way more energy to stuff down doubt or ignore an unwanted thought or feeling than it does to just let it move through me.
The intuitive painting process has incredible capacity and range. The paper can hold all the parts of myself including ones that don’t seem to fit or I want to deny. Painting all of it provides permission for wholeness.
Intuition has tremendous wisdom that may not be apparent until after an entire painting is done (or perhaps years later!).
Painting daily gave me visceral insight into the nuances of my experience. Each time I sat down to paint, I was acutely aware of the shifts in my relationship with myself and with the painting. This underscored for me the impact of having a committed daily spiritual/creative practice.
Things I am proud of: On the first night I realized I needed more private, quiet space so I asked to have my own room (last time I was at Mountain Home Ranch, I played the martyr and stayed in a very rustic communal cabin), I spoke up and made specific requests to shape our group “container,” and I honored my need for self-care/alone time which helped me stay very present throughout the entire retreat.
One of the biggest gifts of all has been truly acknowledging the value of this creative and feminine approach and how it resonates so deeply with me. Chris had mentioned one night how the intuitive painting process is by nature very “INFP“-like. As a fellow INFP, I appreciate the beauty of this process and I want to bring more of it out into the world. It’s an emergent, emotional, creative, internal, intuitive, reflective, mysterious and soulful journey. And that’s what makes it so rich and powerful!
Here I am next to the three intuitive paintings I worked on throughout the week. For our closing ceremony, we hung all of our paintings around the room and shared about our experiences. I was so inspired and touched being surrounded by all this powerful art and the amazing women who put their hearts and souls out on paper for us to see.
I am so glad I said “Yes!” to this year-long program. Not only was it valuable to be fully immersed in my own intuitive painting experience last week, it was also extremely helpful to observe Chris in action as she guided each of us through our process with gentle encouragement. I’m really looking forward to the next retreat where we’ll get to shadow her and get more hands-on experience leading sessions. Until then, I’m enjoying staying connected with my fellow wild heart trainees online.
We’re more than half-way through our first week-long Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training retreat in Calistoga. As I go deeper into the process, I’m bumping up against my own edges in new ways. From the start, I showed up here with confidence in myself. I’ve asked for what I needed. I’ve been really practicing being big and staying with that, even when it’s uncomfortable. This is quite a shift from my normal pro-longed “warm-up” period that usually lasts from a few days to sometimes mid-way through a program. I used to need more time to find my footing and to find my voice in a new group setting. So, it’s been interesting to be in this new place.
My painting process has mirrored this experience for me as well. I even showed up at the retreat with a huge painting, literally taking up a lot of space from day one. My large painting had unfolded over the course of a few months. I gradually added panels as I allowed myself to move toward the discomfort of growing bigger. By the time I completed the painting the other day, I had grown quite fond of how the painting transformed and how it transformed me. The painting’s progression reminded me of my build-up toward being comfortable showing up fully.
My next painting, on the other hand, exploded out of the gates with fierceness and size. The pages multiplied quickly. I painted fast and furiously across the entire surface area, almost not able to keep up with myself. I even woke up early one morning to paint out a feeling I was having rather than write in my journal. This painting demanded to engage with me from the get go. While it’s been exhausting for me, I’m aware of how this painting’s version of bigness is challenging me in new ways and is providing me with more opportunities to grow and learn.
I’m really appreciating the sacred circle that’s forming closer and closer each day. My fellow creative goddesses are a constant source of inspiration, growth, support and laughter. I learn so much from them through hearing them share about their own process.
The other night I drew an angel card for Purification. It was so befitting given that I’m in the process of clearing out my old ways of feeling small. The last time I was at this retreat center four years ago, I struggled with feeling good enough, trusting my instincts, asking for what I needed and clearly articulating what I stood for as a leader. By the end of that retreat, I had somewhat reclaimed my footing, but it took me almost a year to fully recover from that experience and I never, ever wanted to come back to this location again! Returning to this same place now with such a grounded confidence has definitely been a purifying process for me as it has symbolized shedding the old me to create room for the new me to blossom more fully. It’s also been quite powerful to reflect back on and honor how far I’ve come since the last time I was here.
I look forward to two more days of being immersed in the intuitive painting process. This work continues to amaze and inspire me as it works its magic in mysterious ways!
Another colorful day of Expressive Arts Teacher Training filled with tears of anger, sadness, laughter and joy. I’m learning tons being in my own experience of creative flow and personal edges. This group is amazing, too!
Here are a few photos from today. I used the cover of my class journal as a blotter ala my Wreck This Journal days. I’m so grateful for the wrecking experience because had it not been for that I never would’ve thought to “mess up” my pristine journal cover like this!
These mixed paints look almost good enough to eat. Mmm, sherbert, yogurt, frosting, tomato soup! Painting all day has truly been delicious.
And these colorful mixing spoons look like yummy lollipops. Great for bringing out the kid in all of us in the studio.
I’ve been having trouble getting a good night sleep since I got here, so I’m hoping my hour-plus yoga practice tonight will help me get some deeper rest. And then another day of being in the painting process!
Today was the first full day of the Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training Program with Chris Zydel and seven other wonderful women. There’s so much to share and process (just on Day 1). More to come on that later. For now I’ll just include a few pictures to set the scene.
Here’s a peek into part of the portable studio that another student and I helped Chris set up yesterday afternoon. There are large cardboard easels throughout the entire room.
Plenty of colorful paint to choose from. I loved opening up several brand new bottles – so satisfying!
We’re staying at the Mountain Home Ranch in Calistoga. I was actually here before about 4 years ago for another retreat which was quite challenging for me, so it’s been interesting to be back here with a new perspective. I know there’s lots of learning in looking at how far I’ve come since then and how differently I’m showing up now. There’s definitely more to write on that later!
It’s funny to hear the cows mooing while we’re in the painting studio. A great reminder about how expressive sound can be!
And I just love this huge dog. I can’t believe her name is Jessica.
Gotta get ready for another intense day tomorrow and I’m hoping that I can finally get a good night’s sleep!
In high school, my speech coach encouraged me to “Be BIG!” To trust in myself, project my voice and boldy embody the characters I portrayed. He even had me practice standing more powerfully with my feet wider apart to take up space. The “be big” and “take up space” lessons continue to show up for me in different forms. Lately, they’ve resurfaced on paper in my intuitive painting class with a painting that just keeps getting bigger…
… and bigger…
… and bolder… AND BIGGER …
… AND BIGGER still … (This photo gives a sense of the scale compared to the folding chair to the right of the painting.)
… and yep, you guessed it… even B-I-G-G-E-R! (Now it’s getting so big that it’s hard to fit the whole thing in the iPhone camera frame!)
I’ve been working on the same painting for the past few months. It started off innocently as a single sheet of paper. Before I realized it, I envisioned images extending beyond the four corners of the initial sheet and added on a second piece. And then a couple of weeks later, I added a third. Each time I’d cringe as I’d call over to Chris to let her know that I think I needed to add another piece of paper. Facing an ever-expanding blank canvas was quite overwhelming, however, I knew I needed to follow my intuition.
The painting continues to grow and become more wild and strange. I’m learning to go with that and challenge myself to continuing pushing my own edges.
At the beginning of class a couple of weeks ago, I unfolded my painting and got ready to hang it on the wall. Chris came over and offered to help. As I stepped back to take in my painting, my first reaction was irritation — the images, bold colors and energy were so “IN MY FACE.” In response, I stood up, shimmied my hands near my head jazz-hands style, shook my body violently and, with my tongue hanging out, cried “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!” That’s how my painting felt and sounded to me! I went with that sensation and the rest of that class I painted with annoying, obnoxious florescent paints. The acrid colors evoked that same irritating vibration. I also ended up adding some 3-dimensional aspects to have it take up even more space. I looked at where my discomfort was and asked myself, how can I turn the volume up on this more? Funny that Chris hung the painting up flush at the left edge of the wall… she left room just in case the painting decided to get bigger. And it did! (If I had hung it up, I would’ve positioned it right in the center with no room to add on more. Gotta love having someone hold me bigger than I see myself!)
Through this painting, I’m also noticing what it’s really like to be in the process. To honor what I need in any given moment and to not be attached to staying there. For example, when I added on the 2nd to the last panel, I was feeling so overwhelmed with the bigness and boldness of all that was going on in the painting. A large body began to emerge which helped me feel grounded in all of the chaos. When I came back to the image the following week, I was worried about “marring” the peaceful quality of what I created, but Chris encouraged me to follow where my energy was in that moment and I began to incorporate vibrant colors and surreal images once again. I’m re-learning that I have capacity for the full range of boldness, bigness, chaos AND calm, grounded, centered. It’s not an either/or. And as I take up space, I’m learning to stand fully in my own bigness (and to admit that yes, indeed, I’m a Leo!). It’s certainly still a growing edge and there’s lots more juicy learning to come as this painting is not done with me yet! Plus, I’ll be starting Chris’ Expressive Arts Teacher Training this Friday.
Check out this gorgeous and inspiring video about Chris and Painting from the Wild Heart. Art student Peter Lee did an amazing job capturing the beauty and power of the intuitive painting process. Plus, you’ll see my painting in progress when it was almost a third the size it is now…
I’m excited to announce that my dear friend Leah Piken Kolidas and I will be co-leading a workshop in the Boston area this fall! Join us for a lighthearted, fun-filled workshop called Creative Play: An Afternoon of Intuitive Art and Creating from the Heart.
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